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The Realisation of an Extraordinary Self-Image

A concise account of a psychotic experience. On revelation and realisation; madness as applied mysticism.

Foreword

In January 2009 I was involuntarily admitted to the locked ward of the mental health facility in Alphen aan den Rijn. My four-day psychosis had developed by the book. Signs of burnout and depression had preceded it, followed by existential questions.1 I had thrown myself into a broad assortment of profound literature. With the floodgates open and my sights set on infinity, I arrived exactly there: in an experience of boundless connectedness with all that is.

The joyful side was a state of being in which cause and effect merged.2 Answers and questions presented themselves simultaneously, and I experienced no limitation whatsoever. I flowed effortlessly towards everything that presented itself, and at the height of my euphoria I concluded that I had existence completely figured out. All I had left to do was pass the message on.

With this account I want to share my findings about this event with those interested.

The Realisation of an Extraordinary Self-Image

Outside In

I would summarize my psychosis as a ‘shift in primary attention towards the inner world of experience’. As in dreams, this can reveal obscure aspects of consciousness. The shift created a sense of infinite connection,3 since the experience of separateness is anchored only in our representation of the outside world.4 This process went hand in hand with the fading of entrenched frameworks: the demarcation between classifications dissolved, symbols took on a broader meaning, and a growing variety of experiences blended seamlessly into one another like the colours of a rainbow.

Interpreting this development is complicated by the fact that a person can only translate what they know. As with any other experience, personal beliefs act as filters, setting the tone of this inner voyage of discovery. My paranoia, for instance, was nothing more or less than the recognition of all-encompassing connectedness, given a negative reading — and in essence no different from phenomena such as ‘voices’.5 In that light, many of my psychotic symptoms, from confused speech to megalomania, took on mutual coherence and meaning.

Around the World

Our own experience is the only thing we can be directly certain of. This position recurs both in classical philosophical traditions, such as Kashmir Shaivism, and in contemporary interpretations of physics. A ‘reality’ independent of personal experience in the moment cannot be proven.6 Nor does a shared world change this: individual experiences often turn out to be mutually consistent in interaction, and that consistency proves coherence, but not the existence of a third, absolute reality that is the correct one.7 Such a ‘true reality’ is, until further notice, not an observed fact but a metaphysical assumption.

Every experience is therefore as real as any other and deserves recognition. The valuation of manifestations, however, is largely culturally determined. Normal is what we are used to, and crazy a deviation from it. Depending on the environment, a psychosis can accordingly be labelled negative or positive. The local way of seeing may, for example, lean towards a malfunction of the brain, or instead towards the possibility of transcending it.8

Better?

This brings us to the central point of my story: the influence we exert on one another. Discounting ourselves costs us little effort, and the flip side is that even with the best intentions we discount others as well.9 After all, discounting, as an expression, is entangled with our value judgements of right and wrong, and judging is usually an automatic routine. If we want to contribute to wellbeing in the broadest sense, the most effective attitude is to affirm personal sovereignty.10 I see this as a universal, fundamental principle with a direct, constructive effect. In practice it comes down to embracing each person’s own responsibility, whatever the scenario.11 That affirmation expresses itself in authentic communication, respect for a request for help, and unprejudiced facilitation.12

When it comes to increasing psychological wellbeing, medication in my view has a supporting role to play. In acute dysregulation, it can temporarily offer calm and stability. For me, however, that did not in itself amount to a lasting answer. A restrained approach is therefore desirable; the routine manner in which I was prescribed two years of Zyprexa, solely because the guidelines say so, strikes me as too easy.13

Attunement

Fortunately, being rather headstrong, I soon began gradually replacing medication with meditation.14 In hindsight this was also a fruitful choice, as room opened up for my analytical processing. Where recovery is concerned, I see only one starting point: a tailored approach. Every cause and every solution is, in my view, as unique as the fingerprint of the person in question.

My advice to care providers would therefore be: experiment carefully. In collaboration with the client,15 be open to a wide range of therapies16 and explore together what feels right and offers support. In this process, self-directed growth and the mutual sharing and integration of experiences advance together. In this way, a psychosis can be transformed into a valuable event for everyone involved.

Inside Out

Through acceptance we can redraw a manifestation and find a new balance.17 This equilibrium between the inner world of experience and the outside world results in one flowing naturally into the other.18 I know only too well that this can be a challenge, and I am convinced that everyone can realise it.

When uninhibited receiving and sharing come together in spontaneous expression, boundless freedom and creativity arise19 that are not reserved for (ex-)psychotics.20 Because in the end, we are just like everyone else; simply different.

  1. In short: who or what am I, really?↩︎
  2. Alongside perfect bliss, I also went through several terrifying episodes.↩︎
  3. In this context, I mean a felt knowing: a direct recognition that precedes reasoning. The resonance with this broader truth was so intense that the experience presented itself as immediate certainty. For more information see, for example, ‘My stroke of insight’. Developed in The Deep End: The Dream.↩︎
  4. See The Philosophy of Infinity. On the limit itself: The Dark Room.↩︎
  5. Because the boundary between yourself and the voice falls away, this phenomenon goes much deeper than the name at first suggests. In my experience, it is intimate communication with a presence that is more direct and many times more penetrating than we are used to. This also explains the value attached to the ‘voice’. It feels fundamentally more substantial than what takes place on the surface of the outside world.↩︎
  6. From within, a lucid dream feels as real as waking reality; the sense of physical reality therefore proves no independent outside world. Waking reality need not be of a different nature; what sets it apart is mainly its continuity. Developed in The Deep End: The Dream.↩︎
  7. At the physical level, too, no privileged perspective exists: every observer moves through their own time and describes the world from their own frame of reference. The coherence lies in the relations between perspectives, not in a view from outside. Developed in The Deep End: Time.↩︎
  8. See, for example, ‘Crazywise’.↩︎
  9. See, for example, ‘The power of vulnerability’.↩︎
  10. Perceiving (the patient as) a victim is a discounting and reinforces powerlessness at the root. This includes help such as medication and therapy, if the intention is ‘repair’: patching up something that is broken. Every manifestation is natural and meaningful as an expression of what the individual chooses in the moment and carries within; chosen does not mean blameworthy. That does not make it harmless or desirable; even what carries meaning can call for support.↩︎
  11. Responsibility here does not mean blameworthiness; during a crisis, support can be necessary and the capacity to choose consciously temporarily diminished. See further Freeing the Will.↩︎
  12. Unprejudiced facilitation begins with acceptance: that is primary. It requires no prior knowledge and opens the door to understanding.↩︎
  13. It is not my intention to blame mental health care here; a more flexible application is preferable.↩︎
  14. This describes my personal course and is not general advice. Changing or tapering medication should be done in consultation with the doctor treating you.↩︎
  15. Affirmation through listening; Focusing connects directly to this (see Freeing the Will). See ‘Presence’: Akira Ikemi on the characteristics of Focusing (12th International Focusing Conference, Pforzheim, 2000).↩︎
  16. See, for example, breathing techniques, writing therapy, transactional analysis, and EMDR, as well as ‘Mapping the Field of Subtle Energy Healing’.↩︎
  17. In that redrawing the self-image is not a spectator but one of the writing hands: the picture you have of yourself colours what you experience, and what you experience redraws that picture — a loop with no first hand. M.C. Escher drew it (Drawing Hands, 1948); Douglas Hofstadter read the self itself in that same loop. From the side of the words: The Translator.↩︎
  18. In my own experience, a prolonged accumulation of resistance from everyday patterns played an important role: disharmony in feeling, thinking, and doing, magnified by the psychosis. In my view, this applies to ‘psychiatric disorders’ as a rule. What is suppressed eventually finds a way out; the form of that expression is natural and individual. See also The Theory of Conscious Choosing.↩︎
  19. In this worldview, we can see humanity as a continuously changing collective that selflessly reaps the fruits of its unique differences, with contrast as the breeding ground for an unbounded diversity of ideas. See The Philosophy of Infinity.↩︎
  20. See Freeing the Will and, for example, ‘Flow, the secret to happiness’.↩︎